Adventures in the Looking Glass

Last week's wedding party was plenty good fun, but I want to post about it another time.

This week there seems to be have been a lot of the subject of men and relationships coming up in conversation and in blogs.  When I came to Japan, I was nursing a very badly broken heart and so the idea of any man coming anywhere near me was not one I entertained at all.  Plus, when I first arrived, I was rather unimpressed with what I found (though to be fair, I was living in a town where the majority of people my age had disappeared out to the big cities).  Gradually though, I guess I became accustomed to Japanese men and began to find them more and more attractive.  That my Japanese was also improving also meant that I was able to communicate with them, and this led to a few dates, but only in one instance has it led to what might possibly be construed as a "relationship" (that whole bitter subject is not worth mentioning though).

I'm not sure what it is about Japanese men, but I only know one person who has a Japanese husband, another one a boyfriend at the moment; and I can only think of two of three more who have even dated them.  Whilst a lot of foreign men in Japan pick up a girlfriend pretty quickly, foreign women have a much harder time of things.  In fact, I'd say that unless you're willing to put up with random encounters, you're in for a life of enforced celibacy in Japan as a foreign woman. There are a number of different reasons I think this could be, but I'm not sure I've quite formulated them enough to discuss.  When I've discussed the subject with the guys at work, two of them have said that Western women have a tendency to "shut down" any Japanese man who approaches them.  Admittedly, part of this could just be that Western women do not find Japanese men attractive, but I can give you a very very good example of why some guys do get shut down...

Imagine you're me, in a bar on Tuesday night, minding your own business, planning your 30th birthday party whilst casually eyeing-up the delicious bar man.  Suddenly, a guy comes over and says something rapid-fire at you in Japanese.  You reply (in Japanese) that you didn't catch what he said, and could he say it again and bit more slowly.  He pauses, like he didn't quite understand you, and then says in English:

"Can I buy you a drink?"

"I've already got one, thanks," you reply, gesturing to the beer the delicious barman just set down in front of you.

"Can I buy you that one?" he says.  Well, that's 700yen I don't have to spend, you think.

"Sure."  He sits down and introduces himself in fluent Canadian English.  At this point some kind of warning bell is going off in your head, but you're not quite sure what it's for, so you ignore it a bit longer.  He starts talking about himself, finds out you're from England and says that he studied Economics at Oxford.

"Oh, really?" you say.  "Which college?"  At this point you see him back-pedalling and realize what that alarm-bell was.

"Well," he says. " It wasn't Christchurch or St John's, but it was on the same street."

Yes, that alarm was the bullshit detector going off.

After that he proceeds to talk about himself for another 45 minutes.  You know your guard is up, so you relax it a little bit, but consciously remain aware of what it is you're thinking and feeling the whole time.  This will come in useful, as it will only serve to remind you that the guard goes up for a reason.  He says it's nice to be able to "just talk" to people in bars, without any other agenda, and then starts coming out with come-on lines he clearly picked up in a wine bar in Oxford.

At one point he asks if you can speak Japanese (the fact that you have already spoken to him in Japanese not being evidence enough of some ability existing).  You reply, perhaps too modestly, that you can speak some.  A few minutes later he laments for you that life must be so hard living in a country for three years and not being able to speak the language.  Did this guy hear anything I said? you wonder.

He then goes on to tell you that he likes your sarcastic wit, and then throws out a back-handed compliment about your being "eccentric" on account of the piercings you sport.  That fact that you may actually be a little eccentric is not the issue; what is important is the fact that he based this "observation" on a nose ring and then PATS YOU ON THE HEAD.  As you operate a "3-strikes and you're out" policy on all human beings, this brings him to the total of 2.

Things take a slightly more interesting note when you discover that he's a fan of "Supernatural", a subject upon which he can find ample ways to turn around and make it about himself.  When you tell him you've been watching the latest series by downloading it from the internet, he grabs hold of your shoulder quite forcefully and demands that you give him your downloads.  Strike 3 and back to full-shields.

The beer isn't quite finished, so you stick around a little longer, mainly to see what this douche-bag is going to come out with next, and also because you refuse to be intimidated out of your favourite bar.  He asks if you need a Japanese teacher.

"I already have 2," you reply.  "I'm OK, thanks."

"I only teach 'Pillow Talk'."   (I think this might be the Japanese equivalent of: "Get your coat love, you've pulled!") Part of you really wants to point out the wedding ring on his finger and ask him if his wife knows he's a fucking sleaze-bag, but instead you say that you have to go home.

"It's OK," he says.  "You can leave whenever you want."  Like you need his permission to exercise free will...

I'm leaving you here for now.  Later, more tales of a surprising and more man-positive ilk.